Wednesday, April 18, 2007

New England Clam Chowder Spongebath

I just got home from a very "weird" situation. Weird doesn't even cut it. Note: This is a over-zealously lengthy story. Though, I must recount and make sense of what has happened here.

Prologue: Phone rings. Friend in urgent need. Tells me to come over. I do so.

Prior to coming over to this "urgency". My friend on the phone with me, immediately bursts into a fit of tears. "Wait, wait, what's going on buddy?" I say, in my usual naively enthusiastic tone of voice. The kind of tone you take when you think somebody is as at the end of their rope and you somehow don't want to make matters worse. So you keep it positive. Side note, this tactic doesn't always work. With Boyfriends especially. I have been yelled at profusely for doing such "patronizing" acts. Whatever, they were utter control freaks. JUST KIDDING. No, seriously your friends usually will not give you a lump of shit if you act this way when they're sad. They may yell at you for second and say "get fucking real" but they won't scream at you for trying to help (some do but still). All the while I'm thinking something monumentally tragic has gone on. She groans "I didn't get the job I wanted." I had no idea of this job. I was kind of relieved at this because nobody was hurt. Despite, it I come over to offer support. Her apartment was a tad confusing to find, I practically got lost (She just moved there & I've only been there once before this) but I make record time. Upon arrival I phone her again to ask where to park. She sighs, I have a date. Come the fuck on. You don't double book a friend. Not to mention she lives with her BOYFRIEND. Maniac. Her boyfriend who I am not particularly fond of for good reason is out for the night and has no idea of this. But this is wrong on so many levels. Except I've driven 25 minutes to see my damned friend who invited me. I'm going inside date or no date. She nonchalantly explains that she met her "date" off of the Internet on (I have an idea but I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT SITE THIS IS!?). He's also in his mid 40's. And could be her father (young one at that). I'm thoroughly confused and annoyed by this. So much so that I break into a fit of laughter. I stay even though she is nearly 26 years old living with her boyfriend. This of the age where you know better, and shouldn't be succumbing to such juvenile urges when angry at boyfriends. However, I do not want my friend alone with this man. Her phone rings and she starts to explain to another clueless friend how she is angry that her boyfriend didn't come home to console her about the job she didn't get, and that she will fuck this guys brains out. She's pacing rapidly about the room. Repeatedly she is screaming into the phone "I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW. I'LL FUCK HIM. I'LL FUCK HIM!!" Now, It is paramount that I allow none of this to go down. Mainly, because I know that she truly doesn't mean this. And this is nothing more than an act of sheer desperation. I'm not judging, or talking shit on my friend. She is a joy to be around mostly all of the time. And I know she would laugh reading this (I'll probably send it to her later). I would never post this otherwise. All this madness aside she is one of the few friends that can whole-heartedly laugh about this kind of shit the next morning. Back to the story concerning my friend who with the anger-bangiest (I shuddered typing that)of intentions is about to make a gigantic mistake. The "date" calls again to firm up plans, and is informed that a friend (myself) is over. The "date" is now adamant in coming over. Why? The fact that I am still here is an anomaly. He pulls into the parking lot we are watching him from the window. Keep in mind the suspense! She has only seen one photograph (distantly shot of him sitting on a motorcycle wearing shades), and he has never seen a photo of her (that I know). He steps out of his posh car that reeks of golf-buddy air and I see his grey, bald shining head in the light of this parking lot. I'm already furious by this interaction?!?!?! You've got to be kidding me. He is well aware that he is traipsing into boyfriend territory. SHE IS AWARE OF THIS!? I'm not sure who I am more annoyed at the fact that a fully adult person has invited him or that he is ignoring these boundaries. I can't hold back. I'm so entirely rude to this man. Or so it feels because I'm making no effort to know him better. I'm idling during their entire 40 minute interaction (holding back my laughter which hits its peek when she politely asked him he if likes Ryan Adams and he responds who? Bryan Adams). which if you ask me is entirely too, too long to be chatting. My friend is obviously grossed out but I feel no sympathy for her. For she has gotten herself into this drunken quagmire and failed to inform me of it prior to our engagement. The room is filled with intense awkwardness. It's obvious no sexxing will occur not under my watch. I will not allow that. I forced myself to come up with an impromptu but believable reason for us to leave. It didn't take much coercing for him to go. It was hard not to yell at this man as he was tuning her boyfriends guitars and waxing intellectual about art & Florence, Italy. To put it nicely he was a tool shed. Anyway, this pretentious fart left and we stayed talking about the neurosis of relationships until her boyfriend showed up. I politely left, so they could be alone. I think she'll be okay. People have got to stop doing this to themselves!? Jobs will come! Thankfully, she realizes that she is all talk and was being ridiculous. And as far as the dates perspective: what was he thinking? I can schmooze my way into a young ladies pants half my age knowingly that she is living with her boyfriend?! In their apartment no less. Whack.

Friends. There's no stopping them sometimes.

My apology this was a chancy and irritating read. I assure you that the feeling was no different than writing it. I couldn't escape it. I shouldn't ever be allowed to write another entry. I'll make it up to you with not 1 song but two songs. So we're really even.

This song is dedicated particularly to my friend (in need of some serious relationship recovery). It is also one of the greats, I urge you to download this. Even if you never download from this site or if it is your last of downloads!
Strung Out- William Bell duet Mavis Staples

I can't seem to locate his actual site at the moment but Get a mildly cheap copy here.

And well that guy was plain a simple a sicko. Too easy. HIGH FIVE!! OH!!! These guys put out an EP 2 months ago. I just picked up my copy and upon this release I was happy to find a new version of sickos slightly different from last years demo. I enjoy this version to the max!

Sickos -The Harlem Shakes
Take a gander.

EDIT* the badongo site can be finicky. Wait 15 seconds and it will work. Oh for some reason the open option doesn't always work. So save it instead.

PS- This is completely off topic and well fits no where else but could somebody for the love of thonged Jerusalem cruisers buy me these! please?


Dig said...

That guy sounds thoroughly creepy. It was a good story though, made me feel a little better about my night turned out.

Those are expensive ass sandals.

Cotton said...

wow. Icky. This makes me happy I barely leave the house.

sarah said...

It waaaas awful.

Robin said...

Holy crap I'm rolling! You've picked me up at the end of an increasingly cranky day! Bryan Adams! No sexxing! Crap, you're hysterical. I'm hysterical! Why did I wait so long to catch up on your stuff?