Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Dry The Rain

Admittedly, my abominable mood hasn't left. But this picture makes up for it a little?

It's All Over Now, Computer Blue

I'm taking a break from working on illustrator tonight. Sometimes, when I've been working too long, I lose total patience. I'm in a wretched mood. Writing, has always been something that calms these kinds of blues. I have no one else to talk to in the late hours of the night. And damnit, I need to vent. I'm under the gun to get t-shirt designs sent into different companies, so they be can judged and hopefully printed. I put this awful amount of pressure on myself for god knows whatever reason. And it sucks. I hate the way it makes me feel. It spews all of the fun out of what I do. I have to take a break or I'll happily punt my computer out of my window. I'm so miserable, and I wish I could give people an honest reason as to why. Which makes things all the more worse. I'm sure a million people can relate to feeling this kind of depression. And I'm sure tomorrow when I wake up I'll feel back to normal and slightly horrified at how negative this blog will wind up coming off. Despite that, I don't care because right now I feel unhinged with sadness. Today I gave my friend some money and took her out to get something that she desperately needed. And she told me to do something selfish for once because I'm so damn nice all of the time and she thinks I get fucked over repeatedly because of it. While, that was totally sweet of her to say. I don't mind being the way I am, it is no disguise for martyerdom. And while she thinks I get the short end of the stick most days. I actually don't feel that way. I will say that part of who I am is keeping in emotions for the sake of making others around me feel more comfortable. Which is a total unrealistic and totally crazy way to conduct my life 100% of the time. A lot of the time it is for the greater good of situations. But today I will let it hang out ugly, and bitchy. For It is making me clinically nuts to hold back. Maybe I'm just raging that I can't get my work done?

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Ode to everyone listening...

It has dawned on me that less people have been reading lately or at all. I DON'T BLAME YOU. For there are more important things to read about. Although, I've been spreading the hot poop (slang for information) like jam. My gift in return for doing so? Some tenaciously stinky fingers. Oh, and an ego sitting in the back seat. In the midst of knowing how small my audience has shrunk, I've realized something. I cannot stop writing, no matter what. That's the wonderful invention about these blogs. Which reminds me of my livejournal account* that I never told anyone about or the stacks of written journals I had carried loyally everywhere. Obviously, I wasn't concerned about how many people read them or an audience at all. In fact, if you picked up one of my written journals, I'd promptly smack it onto the floor. For good reason, and I have done that. To endure in great detail my at the time unrequited love interests and also how insanely, insanely horney (yet alone I might add) I was for most of College would be disastrous. Mainly because they were intended for private use and if read by a second party would be an ultimate en route to embaressment. It's license for friends to verbally knock the wind out of your already delaptated sails and lovingly so. No normal person would volunteer for that SHIT!?!!? Anyway, personal expression shouldn't be about audience whatsoever. Vitally, it is a creative outlet and a form of self documentation. These are valid reasons to keep people scribbling despite my previous groan about all of this.

I know I talk a lot of shit, and that I use this device as a harem for all that is unimportant/useless knowledge. The truth is I never expected anyone to take any form of interest in my writing. When I found out that people subsribed to my blog, and also commented (including my mypsace blog that has since banished into oblivion). I was floored, and utterly surprised. It was never about how many people I could get to read, and yet people read. There is nothing more true than these elements tremendously helped and inspired me to write more. And for that I say, THANK YOU. You have know idea how much I've appreciated this. I couldn't drop this self indulgent whine fest concerning my gaybo** writing without giving credit to those who do read daily/sometimes/or at all because it was honestly long over due. PRAISE!!!

Now, that I've unleashed that laundry-sized satchel of emotional bananas on to your unwilling hearts I'll muster up a transition. Processing... processing....

Currently, I'm reading Oh The Glory It All. Which is a book that caught my eye about a year ago. Excitedly, I snatched this hardback for $5.98 fresh from the bargains table at Barnes & Nobles. My interest in memoirs containing this particular subject matter are an anomaly to me. It is written from the perspective of a son who grows up with an over the top wealthy mother and father in SF, California. They predictably exhibit mondo douche baggy behavior toward each other which in turn shreds the family to pieces.

Good night!

*live journal is for fucking nerds

**a vocabulary word stolen from Cotton.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Mental Ruts Need Pushing...

Yikes, I've been cleaning all day. SPRING CLEANING that is. I almost got a nose bleed from scrubbing the shower AND It took the rest of the day to get that smell off my palms. Try eating chinese food with that stink on your hands?!? GAAAAHHH! I went totally Danny Tanner on everyone today (with my cleaning), and I'm not even sure why? I think it's best to make over your surroundings in the summer. It probably has something to do with my inability to control my current state of fear that I will fail & forever be unemployed! More importantly the thought of giving up the will to do something creative with my life. Or maybe it was that my computer today has become about as useful to me as black leather pants in the desert (or at all). I'm fed up with the job search, I've been making lists to center some form of rational form of focus. Which helps. I guess. Whatever, probably not.

This blog is not meant to center around my job negativity. Please, please forgive me for its comes off that way. In fact, I'm writing out of inspiration and not defeat. And I need to give my self some rest. My biggest question of the moment is how does one truely become focused when we're distracted with so many seemingly useful inventions?

Oh, and BTW reading famous people's achievements before they even reach 23 is a definite mistake before you decide to breeze through the classifieds on a Sunday.

Here's a liste of links to since sometimes to get us through the days (I know I do)we need these types of distraction...

- I've been researching the movie Teen Wolf for a t-shirt design and I've stumbled upon some pretty crazy stuff one of which by an artist named Heiko Muller and the other a K-9 that haunts my dreams.

- Disclaimer: This link contains frontal nudity, HEY I warned you!!! It actually the least interesting portion. Anyway, "The Naked Guy" from the movie PCU is actually based on a real person named
Andrew Martinez. Weird? And yet a captivating read.

- She throws up on stage (So I've read)and has battled some depression. Snarky like the rest of them in her genre Amy Winehouse has some pipes! Although, I'm whole heartedly sure how I feel about her. To be honest my expectations were very, very low. For one reason or another she was a tad off putting in a way that annoyed me. When I finally listened. I was expecting shit on stick but I got a chocolate covered banana!

-Check out Heiko Muller page!

-Although, I haven't committed myself to finishing this it made me chuckle.

Good Night Everyone!